On nursing homes, family visits … and resentment

Screen shot 2015-03-17 at 11.07.18 PMI should be happy (?) that my father is OUT of the hospital and back into a subacute unit of a long-term facility, aka a nursing home. But this, his third round back, is more depressing for me. He sleeps more, interacts with us less, and it seems to get thinner by the minute. There’s no other way to say it — it feels like I’m losing him.

I’m also slightly, ok maybe definitely, losing my [was it ever normal?] mind. I’m angry. A lot. It doesn’t make me want to punch anyone; it makes me want to check out and stop speaking to everyone (except my parents.)

Life goes on and, more and more, it’s only my mother and I who visit and spend hours with my father (my mother more than all of us, as she has been forced to retire as a result of my dad’s fall and hip fracture.)

My brothers, both who have children, visit less and less. Two and three days go by and no visit. And I resent more and more. I have to be there every day. Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve missed two days. I can’t see this going any other way for me.

I’m not going to lie; I’m pissed about their lack of devotion. I do not understand how you could not visit your father, the sole reason we were even born into this country, and became the people we are today. And checking in with my mother? Not so much.

Am I going crazy?

I actually met with a friend recently (something I hadn’t really done since my dad fell and became very ill) who also has a father in a nursing home. The situation is different. This person isn’t close to death, but immobile, and being in a nursing home is because the person’s spouse simply cannot handle the complicated care.

But this friend, one of five, told me that only one other sibling visits their father. “What can you do? You can’t get mad at it. And you can’t keep asking them to visit.” That’s true, I guess.

It’s hard to accept. I feel like I have anger, acid, or vomit, hanging at bay at the pit of my throat lately. I’m so disgusted. How can people be like this? Why are people like this? How dare they live their own lives? How dare they go out and have fun? Get a haircut even? Anything, all while my dad is stuck in a room. He can barely talk. He’ll probably never feel the outdoor air or direct sunlight again? How can you not just want to sit there with me!!! Aaaarrrrghhhh.

The anger and resentment affects so many other things. It’s like a bad domino effect. (Only I’m not reacting. As per usual, I’m bottling it all in.)

For instance, I posted a story on Facebook about a guy who walks 21-miles to and from work in the suburbs of Detroit every day because he doesn’t have a car. An old friend (Let’s go with acquaintance. If we were once friends in high school but haven’t spoken since then, don’t hang out in person, are we friends, really?) comments that the man is stupid for walking that far for a job that pays $10 per hour. -__-

I want to de-friend and block this person FOREVER. But not before insulting the person’s ignorance, of course.

A nurse’s aide at the nursing home gives me a look when I nicely ask her to do something. Nothing monumental. Just, oh, I DON’T KNOW, turning and positioning my father — something that should be done so he doesn’t develop another pneumonia and worsen his bed ulcer. She then s-l-o-w-l-y obliges. I want to throw a shoe at her.

A tourist slows down and then stops short in front of me when I’m on my power walk to work in the morning? Yeah. I lied. I maybe want to punch this person.

I need a break.

I know what I need to do is just live MY own life the way I want to (which is visiting my father as much as I can) and realize that maybe my brothers are experiencing my dad’s demise differently than I do. Maybe visiting is hard for them. Maybe.

But being angry about it, which I am not saying this blog post absolves me of, isn’t the way to go. I WILL TRY to let it go. I can’t promise I will, but at least it’s out here on the record, right?

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New hip-hop by Ratking, Nani Castle

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Still from Wikispeaks via YouTube.

I’ve been a super fan of New York City’s Ratking since stumbling upon a random blog post (Complex? Vice? Can’t remember.) that led me to XL Recordings, and the single, “646-704-2610,” last year. I was pretty enthralled with this video for “Wikispeaks” (featuring the spunky emcee, Wiki, who often refers to himself as a mutt– he’s half Puerto-Rican) because it just shows a bunch of kids walking through New York City while he spits fire:

“Damn I feel like Jay-Z in ’96
Man I feel like ODB in ’93
Am I even an ’04 Ye?”

Shortly thereafter, they released So It Goes (via Hot Charity) in 2014. There was just something REAL New York hip-hop kids about it. (Btw, if you haven’t heard “Remova Ya,” get on it, as it is the quintessential song about the NYPDs now defunct Stop-and-Frisk policy.)

“To the boys in blue
Never really liked you, rubbed me rude”

Well, they dropped some new tunes (!!!) via bit torrent this week. Grab 700 Fill here.

I like how So It Goes is described in the bundle: “an exhilarating and reckless lyrical portrait of a maybe-vanishing city; part Vonnegut, part Dipset, part Suicide.” Yeah, that’s putting it perfectly. Unlock the 700 Fill bundle to get 9 new tracks, instrumentals, and a short video from Ari Marcopoulos.

Speaking of young New Yorkers who rap, and are half Latino, Staten Island’s Nani Castle just dropped The Amethyst Tape. Thanks to Nati (conrazón) for putting me onto her.

Nani Castle
Nani Castle

Get to know more about the half Chilena, whose dad came to the States as an exile in the 70s, here via Remezcla. Warning: her stuff isn’t gentle and girly. It’s pretty POW!

“Welcome to my castle, Come into dungeon
Come inside, I wanna show you something.”