My Suicide Week

Reliving hell in the 24-hour suicide news cycle.

When someone famous, especially someone who means so much to so many, dies by suicide, a voice in my head screams at me to get out of my own thoughts and do something. This is the consequence of having had intimate experience with suicide. To know suicide is to be obligated forever to give witness, not just as an act of communion with people who’ve experienced something similar, but also as a sort of activism — haunt the conscience of people entertaining thoughts of killing themselves, act as a stand-in for their loved ones, show them what wreckage might be left in their wake.

Every suicide is personal. I watch as the entire internet begins talking about this thing that I carry with me every day, this thing that nags and pulls at me and that I know I’ll always feel crouching in the corner even on my best days, even when I’m mostly able to forget. And I read about the circumstances of the death of this person I’ve never met, and it’s tragic and sad in its own right, but I’m also reliving where I was when I found out that people I loved and needed chose to no longer exist. I read about the devastated family members they’ve left behind, but then, I’m also just reading about myself. And when I talk to someone about the tragic loss of this person who was so sick and in so much pain, I’m also talking about my loss and my loved ones who were so sick and in so much pain, whether anyone else realizes it or not. It’s exhausting.

TWITTER

 

Earlier in the week, a tweet from TMZ popped up in my feed advertising the suicide note that Kate Spade had left for her 13-year-old daughter. I was also 13 when I read the suicide note my dad left for me, so my stomach dropped and my pulse started to race and it felt as if I was being exposed for something I couldn’t put my finger on. But I clicked the link and I read the words and I felt sick imagining thousands of strangers reading the words my dad left for me, so I got up and went for a walk and tried to do anything I could to clear my head, but it didn’t really help. So instead I embraced it.

I don’t remember exactly when I last read the note he left me, but I know I’ve read it a lot. Hundreds of times. So many times that the paper has become worn and fragile and dotted with smudges from old tears I can’t remember. I know it mostly by heart, and it’s mostly seared into my memory, so I surprised myself when I decided to get it out on Friday and, two lines in, I wept. I’m not sure I was crying for my father, whom I continue to miss every day. And I’m not sure I was crying for my sister, whom I continue to miss every minute. I think I was crying more for the time I’ve lost to the grieving process and the laughter that used to come easily and how much more difficult I know days like this will always be.

 

If you or someone you know needs help, call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also text HOME to 741-741 for free, 24-hour support from the Crisis Text Line. Outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of resources.

Advertisements

I tattooed my eyebrows. Here’s why.

Permanent makeup has been around for years. I remember the first time a friend told me she was going to get permanent eyeliner done in the early 2000s. I thought she was insane, but then again, as a person who doesn’t wear makeup every day, it’s not surprising I didn’t see the need.

Fast forward to years later. With the advances made in the area of false eyelash extensions, and eyebrow tinting, I happened upon an Instagram page of an eyebrow threading place that did eyebrow microblading. I then did a simple search on Instagram, and was exposed to so many different microblading artists.

What is microblading? Microblading is a treatment where a technician tattoos pigment onto your face using a small tool with tiny blades so that it looks like tiny eyebrow hairs! It takes two visits under the knife for your brows to be complete. Learn more here.

So, since I’m STILL someone who doesn’t wear makeup every day, why the interest?

Well, when I was 19, I had a bad car accident which left a scar on my left eyebrow. While I have eyebrow hair, my left brow couldn’t grow hair in the inner part (beginning of the brow). On top of that, when thinner brows were in, I plucked or waxed quite often (a la Drew Barrymore below). And, these days, thick brows are in. So I wanted microblading!

image
Via InStyle: 1990s: Drew Barrymore
The grunge era also saw some interesting shapes, similar to Drew Barrymore’s skinny, ultra-dark arches.

One of the first things I started looking for was style. Big, boxy brows are in, but I didn’t think they would look good on me because I’m not one to draw them in every day. So I started eliminating artists who tended to draw that style.

Price was also a factor. Microblading can range anywhere from $350-1200. I found someone in New Jersey who was in the $400 range and did some nice work. But when I saw her for my consultation, she was very concerned about scar and told me she insisted I do microshading (see the difference here), which would look a bit darker. I decided to pass on her services.

a1b8e7b58761c6262b570c4669ee2728
This look, which appears to me like more microshading than blading, was not for me.

She got me thinking about my scar and I decided I should look for someone who did great work and had experiences working with scars or tougher cases.

My awesome assistant director at work started researching for me and found a place with BEAUTIFUL work on their website and an artist who worked in the $600 range. I went for a free consultation and decided to book with their artist, Jessie.

The name of the salon? Six & Ait.

What I loved about their work is most of their brows were very natural looking. And that’s what I wanted. Also, their space in midtown on 5th Avenue was immaculate.

When I went for my first session, Jessie decided I needed a hybrid combination of microblading with some shading since the scar caused my one brow to be slightly higher than the other, and some balancing was going to be needed. She did this using a microblade that has a tight row of 14 tiny needles, and then a microshading tool.

Now, no two brows are ever identical. They’re more like “sisters.” And, after my first session, I was pleased. But I’m not going to lie, the first few days are hard. It takes about a week for the color to lighten. In the beginning, just like when one gets a regular body tattoo, the pigment is VERY, VERY dark. I could see people at work squint while talking to me in that “Why does she look different?” kind of way. I almost didn’t want to leave my office.

As for pain, there was none. However, one CANNOT work out for 7-10 days because sweating can cause the pigment to get pushed out of the skin. Those who know me know I love to work out, so it was tough and I was relegated to long walks. That was challenging.

But it was worth it.

Five days later, I was super pleased with how they looked. In fact, four weeks later, when I was ready for my second appointment (the touch-up), I almost didn’t want to get them done (and go through the very dark brow treatment again). But I am glad I did. By day five (when I had a gala to attend), my brows were perfect.

The photo below shows my brows before microblading, after session one, and then the touch-up.

unnamed-7
Brows by Jessie at Six & Ait. Btw, in case you’re wondering why I’m so well-lit, they use these amazing ring lights.

I’m on day eight after my touch-up, and my brows still have about a week or more to fully heal. I should avoid sun-tanning and makeup on the actual brow for at least a month. Check out the entire after-care process here.

They’ll lighten a bit more and should stick around for at least a year to a year and a half, or even two years! I highly recommend Six & Ait and if you mention my name when booking, you’ll get a little discount!

Screen Shot 2018-06-04 at 11.46.40 PM.png
This low maintenance gal is happy with her brows by Jessie at Six & Ait.