I haven’t been feeling like myself for a few months now. Tough to explain, but the easiest way to try is to say I feel vacant. I don’t feel angry, or sad, or anxious; just vacant. I don’t care about much beyond my work. I feel very un-passionate about many things, and that’s unlike me.

So I decided I need to do something about this. I went to my doctor for a full physical and got some great advice in the process. I also have gone back to vinyasa yoga classes, and introduced TRX- and Kettle bell-training into my workouts via Pedal NYC, a ’boutique’ fitness gym on the Upper West Side.

Perhaps most importantly, I lightened my freelance work load. I am still struggling with this, but I realized I can’t do it all. (Something that has plagued me for much of my life. The inability to say no. The overwhelming pressure that I put on myself because I feel like I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to do a good job; to get some kind of accolade by someone superior.) I’m feeling better, but it is a work in progress.

In the meantime, I keep having bad dreams. I wouldn’t necessarily call them nightmares, because I don’t wake up frightened. Instead I wake up exhausted from the stress of the experience. And I wonder what they mean. So, of course, I consulted a dream website on the Internet. (Can’t get more legitimate than that, right?) It’s called Dreammoods.

Check out the interpretation for the dream in which my brother David and I were trying to survive an awful tsunami with brutal tidal waves. I didn’t know if the rest of my family was even alive. It was pretty bad.

That same week, I dreamt that I was catching butterflies and trapping them in a special butterfly cage. The interpretation for that one isn’t anything to brag about. And is it right? I don’t feel possessive!

Then there was the dream in which my dog had dog friends over. (Weird, right?) And then my apartment began getting infested with baby rats, I started screaming and jumping on the couch, and the dogs all went to town on them, viciously sinking their teeth into the little rodents. There isn’t an exact interpretation for dogs biting rats, but there is dog protecting a master and vicious dog. And a different interpretation for rats, of course.

Most recently, and perhaps most disturbing, was last night’s dream. In it, I was on my way to my apartment (which wasn’t my real apartment because the hallways were carpeted), when a man tried to assault me. I can’t say for sure (you know how you can’t remember EVERY detail of a dream), but I thought he was going to rape me. So I killed him. With a screwdriver. I stabbed that tool several times through his heart.

Then, my friends (I can’t remember who) were trying to help me to hide, but I kept arguing with them about going to the police because I felt like I had a good argument for self defense!

And then I woke up. Frustrated, like I always am when I dream like this.

According to Dreammoods.com, “to dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex.” (Really? Obviously things I haven’t dealt with if Dreammoods is, in fact, right.)

As far as me killing the would-be rapist, “to dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control.  Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.”

Well, since I didn’t know this guy, perhaps there is hidden anger in my life. (That one I can believe. Trust me.)

And as for hiding from the cops (though it was against my will), I found some clues here. And Dreammoods says “to dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. Alternatively, it suggests that you are refusing to face your problems. You are avoiding the situation, instead of confronting them.”

Hmmm.. Guess I have a lot of thinking (or some more dreaming) to do!