Dreaming with my father.

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Dad looked like this in my dream!

I have always been the type to remember dreams, but I’ve never dreamt with a dead person before. I dreamt of my father last night.

It was pretty weird. There he was, gone in his bed at the nursing home (a sight I’ll never forget), and then he was in one of those drawers they have at the morgue, but awake. They called us three weeks after, saying it was a mistake, so there I was to pick him up. He was awake. And so I drove him back to the nursing home.

I hung out in his room and talked to him, catching him up on all the madness, namely the election and the raging dumpster fire that is our President-to-be, and the ‘bad dream’ (pun intended, I guess) that was the relationship I recently got out of (both stories complete with protagonists who are fond of to gas lighting! Yay!)

So what does this dream mean? Well, I’m not expert in how to interpret dreams except I’ve heard when you dream of the dead they’re thinking of you. But here’s the best I could get from Dreammoods.com (I’ve bolded and italicized the parts that may be relevant to me):

Dead
To see or talk to the dead in your dream forewarns that you are being influenced by negative people and are hanging around the wrong crowd. This dream may also be a way for you to resolve your feelings with those who have passed on. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes material loss. If you dream of a person who has died a long time ago, then it suggests that a current situation or relationship in your life resembles the quality of that deceased person. The dream may depict how you need to let this situation or relationship die and end it. If you dream of someone who has recently passed away, then it means that their death is still freshly in your mind. You are still trying to grasp the notion that he or she is really gone. If the dead is trying to get you to go somewhere with her or him, then it signifies that you are trying to understand their death. You also don’t want to be alone.

To see and talk with your dead parents in your dream is a way of keeping them alive. It is also a way of coping with the loss. You are using your dream as a last opportunity to say your final good-byes to them.

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You didn’t think I only had one dream, did you? I had a very frustrating dream in which my older brother, Richard, was arrested for shooting at his cell phone. That’s all I remember. I don’t remember where he was, but I arrived at a police precinct to bail him out and I was very frustrated, yelling at him for hanging out with the wrong people. LOL. I wish I knew what that was about! I can tell you my brother is not fond of guns and he’d never destroy his cell phone!

Dreammoods.com isn’t really helpful on this one, since all the gun interpretation seems to involve the dreamer, and I wasn’t holding a gun in the dream. The same goes for their interpretation of bail:

Gun
To see a gun in your dream represents aggression, anger, and potential danger. You could be on the defensive about something. Or you may be dealing with issues of passiveness/aggressiveness and authority/dependence. Alternatively, a gun is a symbol of power and pride. Perhaps you are looking for shelter or protection in your dream. From a Freudian perspective, a gun represents the penis and male sexual drive. Thus, the gun may mean power or impotence, depending on whether the gun went off or misfired.

To dream that you are loading a gun forewarns that you should be careful in not letting your temper get out of control. It may also signify your ability to defend yourself in a situation.

To dream that a gun jams or fails to fire indicates that you are feeling powerless in some waking situation. Perhaps you need to attack your problems from a different approach. Alternatively, a malfunctioning gun represents sexual impotence or fear of impotence.

To dream that you are hiding a gun implies that you are repressing your angry feelings.

To dream that you shoot someone with a gun denotes your aggressive feeling and hidden anger toward that particular person. You may be trying to blame them for something.

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You feel victimized in a situation or that you are being targeted.

Bail
To dream that you are making bail symbolizes your need to accept help in your business dealings. This dream is trying to make you acknowledge that it is perfectly all right to accept a helping hand.

 

 

 

 

On vacancy and bad dreams

nightmaresI haven’t been feeling like myself for a few months now. Tough to explain, but the easiest way to try is to say I feel vacant. I don’t feel angry, or sad, or anxious; just vacant. I don’t care about much beyond my work. I feel very un-passionate about many things, and that’s unlike me.

So I decided I need to do something about this. I went to my doctor for a full physical and got some great advice in the process. I also have gone back to vinyasa yoga classes, and introduced TRX- and Kettle bell-training into my workouts via Pedal NYC, a ’boutique’ fitness gym on the Upper West Side.

Perhaps most importantly, I lightened my freelance work load. I am still struggling with this, but I realized I can’t do it all. (Something that has plagued me for much of my life. The inability to say no. The overwhelming pressure that I put on myself because I feel like I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to do a good job; to get some kind of accolade by someone superior.) I’m feeling better, but it is a work in progress.

In the meantime, I keep having bad dreams. I wouldn’t necessarily call them nightmares, because I don’t wake up frightened. Instead I wake up exhausted from the stress of the experience. And I wonder what they mean. So, of course, I consulted a dream website on the Internet. (Can’t get more legitimate than that, right?) It’s called Dreammoods.

Check out the interpretation for the dream in which my brother David and I were trying to survive an awful tsunami with brutal tidal waves. I didn’t know if the rest of my family was even alive. It was pretty bad.

That same week, I dreamt that I was catching butterflies and trapping them in a special butterfly cage. The interpretation for that one isn’t anything to brag about. And is it right? I don’t feel possessive!

Then there was the dream in which my dog had dog friends over. (Weird, right?) And then my apartment began getting infested with baby rats, I started screaming and jumping on the couch, and the dogs all went to town on them, viciously sinking their teeth into the little rodents. There isn’t an exact interpretation for dogs biting rats, but there is dog protecting a master and vicious dog. And a different interpretation for rats, of course.

Most recently, and perhaps most disturbing, was last night’s dream. In it, I was on my way to my apartment (which wasn’t my real apartment because the hallways were carpeted), when a man tried to assault me. I can’t say for sure (you know how you can’t remember EVERY detail of a dream), but I thought he was going to rape me. So I killed him. With a screwdriver. I stabbed that tool several times through his heart.

Then, my friends (I can’t remember who) were trying to help me to hide, but I kept arguing with them about going to the police because I felt like I had a good argument for self defense!

And then I woke up. Frustrated, like I always am when I dream like this.

According to Dreammoods.com, “to dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex.” (Really? Obviously things I haven’t dealt with if Dreammoods is, in fact, right.)

As far as me killing the would-be rapist, “to dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control.  Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.”

Well, since I didn’t know this guy, perhaps there is hidden anger in my life. (That one I can believe. Trust me.)

And as for hiding from the cops (though it was against my will), I found some clues here. And Dreammoods says “to dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. Alternatively, it suggests that you are refusing to face your problems. You are avoiding the situation, instead of confronting them.”

Hmmm.. Guess I have a lot of thinking (or some more dreaming) to do!