The Year in Wiener News: 2013

Rejoice! This post is NOT about Weiner.
Rejoice! This post is NOT about Weiner.

Relax, this post has nothing to do with Anthony Weiner. It is an end-of-the-year roundup on wiener news, though! (And special thanks to a friend who suggested I write this.)

Before we get to it, let’s all agree that as far as 2013 is concerned, it was a monumental one in news:

We got a new Pope, a shitty-I.T. department-like Obamacare rollout, a royal baby, and a tragic bombing at the Boston Marathon. There was a massive fertilizer plant explosion and fire in West, Texas, a terrifying tornado in Oklahoma, the government shutdown for an extended period of time, we lost Nelson Mandela, and that gem of a neighborhood watchman, George Zimmerman, was acquitted of killing Trayvon Martin, and later arrested for domestic violence. (His girlfriend dropped the charges, of course.) And that’s not all. CBS Pittsburgh compiled more here.

The year also brought us more social media by way of Instagram and Vine videos (watch some hilarious Vine vids here), chats that disappear via Snapchat, and Twitter and Facebook continue with high engagement from their users.

On my Facebook page, it was a big (no pun intended) year for news of everyone’s favorite male member: the penis! I’ve rounded up some of the year’s best peen news nuggets below.

Look before you sit.
Look before you sit.

Best international penis news (tie): Australian man avoids jail for choking ex after she bit his penis: It’s only fair. She bit him first. And from the African continent, Snake bites man’s penis in Ghana public toilet.

Best medical development for a crooked penis news: FDA approves drug for severe curvature of the penis: Treatment with Xiaflex involves two injections of the drug into the penile scar tissue and a penile “modeling” procedure that involves manipulation of the penis by a healthcare provider. It sounds painful, but so is having a crooked peen, according to the article.

Traffic reporter Siobhan Riley says the drawing was innocent.
Traffic reporter Siobhan Riley says the drawing was innocent.

Best news anchor #fail related penis news (VIDEO): ABC12 news reporter Siobhan Riley was detailing which sections of Saginaw, Michigan, would be undergoing construction on a large map. As she laid out the grid plan, she unknowingly drew what appeared to be a large phallus, complete with testicles at the bottom. Hey maybe she had something on her mind.

Second runner-up: Awkward! Out of the Czech Republic: Large Penis Videobombs News Anchor During Live Broadcast.

Best Mike Tyson is involved in this one, so there’s really nothing good, better, or best, about it: The former heavyweight champions autobiography contained tons of surprises about his chaotic life. In fact, that he used a Fake Penis to Pass Drug Tests is the least surprising nugget out of this gem.

Best indecent exposure arrest-related penis news: He claims his penis was itchy, but according to police, this sicko was following a customer around in a store while jerking his chicken. Gross. A Florida man arrested on indecent exposure charges said he had to expose himself in a department store because his genitals were itchy.

Screen shot 2013-12-18 at 4.16.10 PMBest King of Pop-related penis news: The guy may be in jail, but can we all wish some collective bad juju on him in the joint for talking about this in an interview? Eww. Dr. Conrad Murray: ‘I held Michael Jackson’s penis every night’

Best reason proof that “legalizing it doesn’t get rid of violence in the United States” related penis news: Money and drugs go hand in hand, which is why this probably went down: Four charged with severing penis of California marijuana dispensary owner.

Best breakfast-related penis news: I know the Brits like meat with their eggs for breakfast, but this is ridiculous: Man with penis stuck in toaster rescued.

Best “Oh, Colombian men!” -related penis news:

Screen shot 2013-12-18 at 4.27.45 PM

They just can’t leave well enough alone, can they? See what happens when you try to impress your (I assume much younger) girlfriend? South Colombia man has penis amputated after Viagra overdose.

Best sports-related penis news:

Screen shot 2013-12-18 at 6.07.18 PM

Rugby in New Zealand. Well, those tiny shorts they wear are pretty hot: Ex-NRL player Anthony Watts accused of biting opponent’s penis during Gold Coast match.

Best painful experiment-related penis news:

Screen shot 2013-12-18 at 4.35.31 PMOh grandpa. Not this again: Fork stuck in man’s penis after bizarre sexual mishap.

Best science-related penis news: This may depend on your (personal issues) point of view, I guess: “The attractiveness of a larger penis is intertwined with height and body shape, new research suggests.” Penis size does matter.

Best architecture-related penis news:

Screen shot 2013-12-18 at 4.41.55 PMPenis-Shaped Christian Science Church Doesn’t Look That Much Like A Penis, Architect Claims. Oh yes, it does, sir. Isn’t lying one of the 10 Commandments?

Second runner-up: Well, it’s not penis-related, but since when is a woman’s nether region not related to the penis? Architect Zaha Hadid Fires Back at Critics of Her So-Called “Vagina Stadium.”

Best “like The Hangover, only 10-times worse” -related penis news: Alcohol is the devil: Man found on road with his penis severed and absolutely no idea what had happened.

Best “guns are not for everyone” –related penis news: Hey, at least it wasn’t in the United States this time. Yee-haw! Philippine man accidentally shoots his own penis.

Best “school field trip gone wrong” -related penis news: Another one not from the good, old, United States. We’re more into teachers sleeping with their students, I guess: ‘Penis piercing teacher’ axed.

Which brings us to the best “teacher grabs penis” news: Of course, this one is ours. Oh, Ohio: Student: Accused teacher ‘put her hand in my pants.’

Second runner-up: Oh, Florida, you know I couldn’t leave you out of this! And, to boot, you know there’s a critical shortage of good math teachers when, “Jeanne Michaud, a Seminole County math teacher, had nearly a 30-year history of disciplinary problems, but parents said she was talented and could make even advanced courses fun.” Teacher fired over penis carving.

I’ll end the list with something that sits below the peen:

Best BALLS-related (non-penis) news:

Screen shot 2013-12-18 at 6.10.24 PMHey, this body part is part of the penis family! Believe it or not, this incident was over a parking spot: Woman in China could face death penalty for killing man by crushing testicles.

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